(AAAAAH)?

I've had an interesting week...I'll put it that way. As most know by now, something I've wanted for a long time has come to actualise. On Monday I spoke for the first time to my father, and really it couldn't have gone any better. Him not having known of my existence all twenty years of my life, until just months ago, makes this phone call having gone well a difficult thing to deal with consequentially. I never really went there...to the what if they told him, what if we'd known each other like kin for my whole life? I'm going there now though. I can't help it. I can't help but feel a bit tampered with, though it's years later. The decisions made on my behalf weren't meant to cause damage, but here we are. Of all times to be angry...this is it right? This would be okay. That...is a hard emotion for me to tap in to. Anger or amour...it's all too uncontrolled maybe. It's blindly popping a pill that'll either cure your headache, or make you atrophy.


I'm rarely one to be walked upon, but it seems with some I'm more willing to be the rug.


Maybe it's having let myself feel sometimes disposable within my family dynamic, that I expect directness will push them away for good. Maybe it's the doubt if I'm worth listening to in a visceral state. Maybe it's the reserve of being on display, and dealing with the consequences of that whatever they may be. Maybe it's the fear that being candid...not cerebral...not contrived...not guarded...will make me seem weak.

This isn't a woe is me post. This is an I-dont-want-to-waste-anymore-time-or-energy-just-paying-the-interest...you know?



I'm going in...headlong.